I’m reading two (2) books about self-compassion at the moment, and yes they’re by the same author and yes they cover a lot of the same things. This is a good way for me to really learn it, I’ve realised. I have one book on my kindle and one in audiobook.
This morning as I listened to the audiobook the author, Kristin Neff, said something that made me go ‘huh!’ so I wanted to share it with you.
As we’re raised, in the West, at least, we’re encouraged to be compassionate to others, but not necessarily to ourselves. We’re rewarded, praised for being kind, but when it comes to motivation the message is usually ‘suck it up, do better, no one wants to hear you whining’, etc etc
Self-compassion as a practice includes acknowledging pain and suffering as part of the human condition.
So, if you’re compassionate to others and not to yourself, you’re in a way denying your own humanity. You’re saying ‘others suffer and deserve comfort for it, but not me’. You’re putting yourself out of this universal experience, you’re othering yourself, and making yourself an exception to the norm for absolutely no reason.
How do you get around this? Well, when you’re experiencing negative emotions and you say to yourself ‘yeah, everybody hurts,’ or ‘this pain is a part of being human’ and therefore ‘I deserve comfort and kindness to get through this moment.’
This is something I’ve been working on, but I’d never heard it phrased exactly in this way. I’ve definitely had a lot of trouble with knowing the right course of action for other people, giving advice etc and then not taking it for myself. No more! I am a human, and you are a human and we suffer, and we go through horrible times, and we deserve to show ourselves kindness and compassion.
Give yourself a hug, rub your arms, take a bath, whatever you can do to show yourself some physical care and tap into that mammalian instinct to care. You’ll feel better for it, especially if you can catch yourself in a rough time and show yourself some compassion.